Comprender cómo maduran los niños

Para su hijo, el viaje hacia la independencia es una aventura emocionante, a menudo frustrante y, en ocasiones, aterradora. Para cuando su hijo tenga tres años, habrá logrado avances notables en su desarrollo, algunos de buena gana, otros no tanto. Estos avances no son solo intelectuales, sino también sociales y emocionales. Aunque todavía depende de usted, su hijo de tres años ha comenzado a establecer su sentido de sí mismo y muchos de los elementos de su personalidad adulta. En resumen, se convierte en una persona.

A medida que su bebé crece y progresa, usted cambia, a sus ojos, tan seguramente como cambia su concepto de sí mismo. A medida que se vuelve más perceptiva y más consciente de sí misma como una entidad separada, te coloca en una variedad de roles. Algunos de estos roles, como cuidador y disciplinario, continúan durante muchos años. Otros roles, como la criatura omnipotente que deja de existir cuando tu bebé no puede verte, son transitorios.

Su conocimiento de los por qué y los cómo del concepto siempre cambiante de su hijo sobre sí mismo y sobre usted puede hacer que el viaje de su hijo hacia una independencia saludable sea más fácil para todos los interesados. En este artículo, realizaremos un seguimiento de los cambios en el desarrollo de su hijo en las siguientes secciones:

El vínculo padre-hijo Si bien puede parecer obvio o redundante, el vínculo más fuerte y duradero que forma un niño es con sus padres. La relación que establezca con su hijo, incluso en la infancia, puede afectar significativamente las relaciones que su hijo establecerá a medida que madure. Claramente, cualquier discusión sobre cómo maduran los niños debería comenzar con el vínculo padre-hijo. En esta sección, examinaremos cómo interactúan usted y su recién nacido, y los efectos duraderos que puede tener esa interacción.
Respuestas de un niño, desde el nacimiento hasta los dos meses En los primeros meses, el comportamiento de un recién nacido es principalmente una serie de respuestas instintivas y reflejos a estímulos externos. Los reflejos como agarrar o el reflejo de Moro salen completamente formados del útero y son comportamientos completamente no aprendidos. En esta sección, cubriremos los comportamientos y modos de expresión de los recién nacidos, especialmente el llanto. ¿Sabías que cada niño tiene su propio patrón de llanto distinto? También examinaremos cómo la apariencia de su bebé afecta la forma en que usted u otros adultos lo tratarán. Incluso para un bebé, la apariencia lo es todo.
Las reacciones de un niño a los dos o tres meses Tan pronto como a los tres meses, su hijo parecerá mucho más receptivo. Este es solo un ejemplo de lo sorprendentemente rápido que avanzará el desarrollo de su bebé. Por ejemplo, podrías notar que tu bebé tiende a mirarte más a ti que a extraños u otros objetos en la habitación. Además, su bebé comenzará a sonreírle más directamente a usted oa otras personas, lo que se llama una "sonrisa social". Finalmente, notará que su bebé puede participar más con usted y reaccionar a sus movimientos.
Las interacciones de un niño, de los cuatro a los cinco meses En los primeros meses de vida, la mayoría de los comportamientos de los recién nacidos son bastante intercambiables. Esto se debe en parte a los reflejos no aprendidos con los que nacen, pero también a que carecen de muchas de las habilidades que la gente usa para expresarse. Sin embargo, a los cuatro meses, su bebé comenzará a tener sonrisas especiales que usará en ocasiones particulares. La mayoría de los niños también empiezan a balbucear en esta etapa, que es la precursora del habla. Los bebés también comenzarán a reír durante este tiempo, un sonido que calentará el corazón de cualquier padre. Por supuesto, con este aumento de la conciencia del mundo que les rodea surgen problemas adicionales.
Comportamiento de un niño, seis a doce meses A medida que el mundo comienza a abrirse para su hijo, puede esperar una cierta cantidad de miedo y aprensión. Esta ansiedad se manifiesta de dos formas principales:la ansiedad de separación y la ansiedad ante los extraños. La ansiedad por separación se manifiesta cuando tu bebé empieza a llorar cuando sales de la habitación. Le mostraremos varias maneras de hacer frente a este comportamiento. Otro signo de miedo en su hijo es la ansiedad ante los extraños. Este comportamiento se manifestará en la tendencia de tu bebé a llorar cuando se le acerquen personas que no reconoce. También exploraremos su relación cambiante con su bebé a medida que comienza a darse cuenta de las formas en que puede manipular a sus padres.
El desarrollo de un niño, de los doce a los dieciocho meses Usted y su bebé han desarrollado un vínculo significativo y poderoso durante su primer año juntos. En este punto, nos tomaremos un momento para reflexionar sobre esta relación y cómo contribuirá al desarrollo general de su hijo. También exploraremos el creciente sentido de autoconciencia de su bebé. Alrededor de este tiempo, su hijo debería poder reconocerse en el espejo. Finalmente, analizaremos cómo su bebé usará un objeto de transición como un animal de peluche o una manta para comenzar a transferir su dependencia de usted a la autosuficiencia.
Los avances de un niño, de dieciocho meses a dos años El mayor cambio en el segundo año ocurre cuando la mayoría de los niños aprenden a hablar. Una vez que su hijo es capaz de expresar lo que está pensando o sintiendo, se abre un nuevo mundo de intimidad entre ustedes dos. Como puede adivinar por el nombre, su hijo también entrará en los "terribles dos años" en esta época. Durante los terribles dos años, su hijo creerá que es el centro del universo. Es probable que su hijo también descubra el poder de la palabra "no" y la emplee constantemente. Curiosamente, los temores de separación de su hijo también se intensificarán durante este período. Aunque dicen que quieren independencia, ahora más que nunca necesitan estabilidad.
La independencia de un niño, el tercer año Concluiremos nuestro viaje de madurez infantil con el tercer año. En el tercer año, el mayor conflicto al que se enfrentarán los padres será establecer y hacer cumplir las reglas. A esta edad, su hijo tiene la edad suficiente para desobedecer y es lo suficientemente obstinado para desafiar su autoridad. Ofreceremos algunos consejos para afrontar los enfrentamientos y técnicas a emplear como el tiempo muerto. También veremos la imagen de sí mismo en expansión de su hijo y el florecimiento de su imaginación. A continuación, cuestionaremos el papel de la televisión en la vida de un niño. Finalmente, exploramos las emociones encontradas que sienten los padres cuando sus hijos comienzan a alejarse de ellos.

Esta información es únicamente con fines informativos. NO PRETENDE PROPORCIONAR ASESORAMIENTO MÉDICO. Ni los editores de Consumer Guide (R), Publications International, Ltd., el autor ni el editor se hacen responsables de las posibles consecuencias de cualquier tratamiento, procedimiento, ejercicio, modificación de la dieta, acción o aplicación de medicamentos que resulten de leer o seguir la información. contenida en esta información. La publicación de esta información no constituye la práctica de la medicina, y esta información no reemplaza el consejo de su médico u otro proveedor de atención médica. Antes de emprender cualquier curso de tratamiento, el lector debe buscar el consejo de su médico u otro proveedor de atención médica.

Contenido

El vínculo padre-hijo
Respuestas de un niño, desde el nacimiento hasta los dos meses
Reacciones de un niño, dos o tres meses
Interacciones de un niño, de cuatro a cinco meses
Comportamiento de un niño, de seis a doce meses
Desarrollo de un niño, de doce a dieciocho meses
Adelantos de un niño, de dieciocho meses a dos años
La independencia de un niño, el tercer año

El vínculo padre-hijo

El vínculo que forma con sus hijos puede afectar las relaciones que establecen como adultos.

Dada la oportunidad, los padres y los bebés naturalmente forman una fuerte relación entre ellos. Esta relación a menudo se denomina vínculo padre-hijo. Para el padre, este vínculo está tejido de amor y responsabilidad. Para el bebé, es su primera relación, y quizás la más importante.

Los psicoanalistas han teorizado que la primera relación amorosa que experimenta un bebé con uno de sus padres sienta las bases para todas las relaciones interpersonales posteriores. Sostienen que si no tienes esta relación padre-hijo necesaria en tus años de formación, no podrás amar como adulto. Varios psicólogos y psiquiatras han encontrado apoyo para este punto de vista. Por ejemplo, John Bowlby, psicoanalista británico, estudió a niños que crecían sin padres en los primeros años de vida; descubrió que estos niños a menudo tenían problemas para relacionarse con los demás y formar vínculos más adelante en la vida. A partir de tales estudios, los psicólogos han confirmado lo que la mayoría de los padres sabía desde el principio:cuán importante es la crianza sensible, receptiva y consistente para el desarrollo infantil.

Sin embargo, también es importante señalar que es posible que los bebés no tengan que estar con sus padres todo el tiempo, a pesar del énfasis en las clases de Lamaze y las revistas para padres de que existe un período crítico para que los padres se vinculen con sus bebés. Los partidarios de esta posición afirman que los padres que son separados de sus recién nacidos después del nacimiento tienen dificultades para formar ese vínculo esencial entre padres e hijos. Citando estudios realizados con animales, señalan que las madres ratones a menudo se niegan a cuidar a sus crías si se las separa justo después del nacimiento.

Afortunadamente, los humanos no son ratones, y las investigaciones más recientes sugieren que las madres humanas generalmente pueden ser madres amorosas incluso si deben separarse de sus bebés como resultado de prematuridad, enfermedad u otras razones.

No obstante, se han producido cambios positivos entre los proveedores de atención médica debido al reciente reconocimiento del proceso de vinculación. Muchos hospitales han humanizado drásticamente la forma en que se trata a los padres y los bebés. A los padres se les permite un mayor contacto con los bebés, particularmente en las salas de cuidados intensivos. Allí, los padres ahora pueden participar en la alimentación, el manejo y el cuidado general de sus bebés de inmediato, en lugar de esperar hasta que sus bebés sean dados de alta del hospital.

Naturalmente, este vínculo cambiará a medida que su hijo crezca y se desarrolle. En el transcurso de las siguientes secciones, documentaremos las etapas de crecimiento por las que pasará su hijo hasta la edad de tres años. En la siguiente sección, comenzaremos con el nacimiento hasta los dos meses.

Respuestas de un niño, desde el nacimiento hasta los dos meses

Los reflejos, como agarrar, son la manera que tiene su bebé de mantenerlo cerca.

Desde el momento del nacimiento, las características tanto de usted como de su bebé les permiten comenzar a desarrollar una relación especial. Los bebés recién nacidos son muy efectivos para lograr que sus padres y otros adultos los cuiden.

Aspecto físico

¿Alguna vez has notado que la mayoría de los bebés animales se consideran lindos y tiernos? Algunos científicos creen que esta es la manera que tiene la naturaleza de garantizar que los animales (incluidos los seres humanos) cuiden de sus crías. Esta es la razón por la cual la apariencia física de tu bebé te hace sentir cálido y bien por dentro. De hecho, cuantos más rasgos característicos tenga un bebé (cabeza grande, rasgos redondeados, regordetes), más positivamente lo verán los adultos en general. Los estudios informan que los adultos miran más a los bebés más regordetes y expresan un mayor deseo de jugar con ellos y cuidarlos. Incluso se ha descubierto que los padres responden más a sus hijos cuando son lindos y atractivos que cuando no lo son. Aparentemente, los bebés recién nacidos se ganan el cariño de sus padres y abuelos, al menos en parte, solo por su aspecto.

Reflejos

Muchos de los reflejos de un recién nacido (patrones de conducta no aprendidos) sirven para asegurar la proximidad física con su madre. Durante el primer examen de su bebé, el médico de su bebé puede demostrar cómo la mano de su bebé se agarra firmemente alrededor de sus dedos. En los primeros meses, el reflejo de prensión es tan fuerte que su bebé casi puede soportar su propio peso. Cuando un recién nacido se sobresalta por un ruido fuerte o un cambio repentino de posición, sus brazos se agitan hacia los lados y luego se juntan rápidamente, como si estuviera tratando de agarrar a su madre. Este reflejo se llama reflejo de Moro o de sobresalto. Se cree que este y otros reflejos son restos de nuestra ascendencia evolutiva.

El Grito

Cualquier padre puede decirle que el llanto de un bebé es un sonido muy inquietante, uno que no es fácil de ignorar. Aunque a veces es molesto, piensa en el llanto de tu bebé como su primer medio para comunicarse contigo.

El llanto es una respuesta altamente adaptativa desde un punto de vista evolutivo, probablemente diseñada para lograr que el cuidador atienda las necesidades del bebé. De hecho, cuatro de cada cinco veces que un padre interactúa con un bebé es porque el bebé llora. El llanto le alerta sobre las necesidades de su bebé. La mayoría de los padres responden rápidamente tratando de averiguar qué es lo que está mal, verificando si el bebé tiene frío, está mojado, tiene hambre o simplemente está aburrido. De hecho, los bebés pueden tener diferentes llantos por diferentes razones. Los padres a menudo pueden reconocer el significado del llanto de sus bebés.

Muchos padres creen que en realidad pueden identificar a sus recién nacidos por sus llantos. Esta puede ser una percepción precisa. Los psicólogos han estudiado las características acústicas de los llantos de bebés individuales con tecnología sofisticada:espectrógrafos que registran patrones de sonido. Descubrieron que los bebés pueden identificarse mediante "huellas digitales" únicas.

Aunque todos los bebés lloran, se producen grandes variaciones en la cantidad de tiempo que un bebé pasa llorando. Algunos bebés pueden tener lo que comúnmente se conoce como cólico de los tres meses; otros pueden llorar solo cuando están angustiados, hambrientos, enojados o con dolor. Afortunadamente, a los tres meses, la mayoría de los bebés reducen drásticamente la cantidad de tiempo que pasan llorando.

Es posible que pueda ayudar a su bebé a llorar menos. Se ha encontrado que los padres que atienden rápidamente el llanto de sus bebés durante los primeros tres meses al levantarlos parecen tener bebés que lloran menos a los nueve meses. Contrariamente a los cuentos de viejas, no está mimando a su bebé consolándolo y aliviando su llanto.

Lo que funciona para calmar a un bebé que llora varía según la edad de su bebé. Una vez que haya determinado que su bebé está tibio, seco y alimentado, puede emplear técnicas antiguas para calmarlo. Estas técnicas cambian con los cambios de desarrollo de su hijo. Por supuesto, la mejor manera de calmar a un bebé pequeño es cargarlo. Luego viene cargar a un bebé muy pequeño para que pueda mirar por encima del hombro, combinando cercanía y distracción. A los recién nacidos también les gusta que los envuelvan en mantas receptoras. Mecerlos, darles algo para chupar y brindarles algún tipo de estimulación auditiva, como música, ayudan a reducir el llanto de los recién nacidos aproximadamente la mitad del tiempo. A veces, simplemente tocar a tu bebé o hacerle saber que estás cerca puede hacer que deje de llorar.

Patrones de apariencia

Aunque un bebé recién nacido no puede ver los objetos a distancia con mucha claridad, es capaz de ver tu cara cuando lo sostienes en tus brazos. De hecho, eso es todo lo que puede ver. Los recién nacidos tienden a mirar áreas de alto contraste (como un objeto negro contra un fondo blanco) y el exterior de las imágenes (como la línea del cabello en la cara). Por lo tanto, la cara de los padres es un estímulo visual óptimo para un bebé.

Mimosidad

Cuando cargue a su nuevo bebé, puede notar que naturalmente moldea su cuerpo para acurrucarse con usted. Esta moldura asegura el máximo contacto corporal entre ustedes dos y los hace sentir cálidos y amorosos.

Desafortunadamente, no a todos los bebés les gusta abrazar tanto como les gustaría a sus padres, sino retorcerse en los brazos de sus padres. Esto puede ser solo su naturaleza, y no un reflejo de las habilidades de crianza. Las pruebas de desarrollo de los bebés, como la Escala de evaluación del comportamiento neonatal de Brazelton, miden las reacciones de los recién nacidos. Una de las pruebas califica a los bebés desde "muy resistentes a ser sostenidos" hasta "extremadamente cariñosos y pegajosos". Un estudio indicó que las madres tenían dificultad para enseñar a los bebés recién nacidos que se resistían a acurrucarse. Cuanto más intentaba una madre abrazar a un bebé que no quería, menos abrazaba el bebé.

Si su bebé no quiere que lo abracen todo el tiempo, no se alarme ni asuma que está haciendo algo mal. Recuerde que su bebé es un individuo y ajuste su deseo de abrazarlo a su capacidad de respuesta a ser abrazado. Sin embargo, es posible que vea que su bebé comienza a responder más a su toque y presencia en el segundo y tercer mes. Continúe con la siguiente sección para saber cómo se desarrolla su bebé durante este tiempo.

Reacciones de un niño, de dos a tres meses

Su bebé gradualmente comenzará a sonreír más a las personas que a los objetos en la habitación.

En los primeros meses de vida, su bebé comenzará a interactuar con el mundo que lo rodea. Esto es lo que puede esperar.

Patrones de mirada

A los dos o tres meses, los bebés miran más a sus padres que a los extraños. Esto le ayuda a sentir que su bebé ha desarrollado una preferencia por usted, lo que, a su vez, fortalece su afecto y amor por su bebé.

En realidad, por supuesto, los bebés comienzan a mirar más a sus padres porque los ven más a ellos, y un estímulo familiar suele ser más atractivo. A los bebés también les gusta mirar objetos que cambian un poco cada vez que los miran. Debido a que las caras cambian todo el tiempo, tu rostro es un estímulo ideal.

Los bebés a esta edad comienzan a entender qué son las caras. Un bebé de dos meses puede diferenciar las imágenes con caras revueltas de las imágenes de caras con las características colocadas correctamente. Para cuando tengan tres meses, los bebés pueden discriminar las expresiones faciales lo suficientemente bien como para identificar los ojos, la nariz y la boca.

La sonrisa social

Los bebés no solo sonríen más, sino que comienzan a sonreír socialmente:sonríen más a las personas que a los objetos. La sonrisa de su bebé probablemente refleja el hecho de que las caras son objetos familiares, no que se esté produciendo un verdadero proceso social. Sin embargo, cuando le sonríe a su bebé, su bebé puede sonreír en respuesta. Como todos los padres, encontrará que no hay nada como esas primeras sonrisas para enamorarse de su bebé nuevamente.

Participación

Al hablar con sus bebés, los padres (de hecho, casi todos los adultos) se comportan de una manera que se consideraría extremadamente extraña en otras circunstancias solo para lograr que sus bebés los miren y les sonrían. Hacemos todo tipo de caras graciosas y exageradas cuando miramos a nuestros bebés. La rutina que los padres siguen con sus bebés ha sido descrita como un baile. Su bebé la mira, fija sus ojos en los suyos y luego mira hacia otro lado. Luego usa su rutina de caras graciosas para que su bebé le devuelva la mirada. En este baile, es como si ustedes dos estuvieran turnándose en una conversación o diálogo finamente afinado.

A los tres meses, su bebé asume un papel más importante como iniciador de las secuencias de juego e interacción. En el primer mes, su bebé siguió su ejemplo; a los tres meses tu bebé también puede empezar a bailar.

Ajustes

Tu bebé de dos meses está comenzando a adaptarse a tus ritmos biológicos. Muchos bebés duermen toda la noche a esta hora y se alimentan más regularmente y con menos frecuencia. No hacer estos ajustes en sus patrones de sueño y vigilia puede ser una fuente importante de tensión en la relación con su bebé. Los padres especialmente fatigados tienen dificultades para disfrutar de sus bebés. Si su bebé continúa llorando en exceso y no parece estar siguiendo ningún tipo de rutina con usted, es necesario llamar al médico del bebé.

Las diferencias que ha notado en su bebé solo aumentarán y continuarán en los próximos meses. Pase a la página siguiente para conocer otros hitos emocionantes, como reír y balbucear.

Las interacciones de un niño, de cuatro a cinco meses

Las sonrisas especiales solo para padres comienzan a aparecer a los cuatro meses.

Los bebés a los cuatro y cinco meses comienzan a dar sus primeros pasos hacia el habla. Así es como comienza el proceso.

Sonrisas Especiales

Las sonrisas especiales solo para padres comienzan a aparecer a los cuatro meses. Una sonrisa se dibuja en la cara de su bebé cuando la ve a usted, pero no cuando ve a alguien más. Este comportamiento implica no solo el reconocimiento de usted, una habilidad cognitiva, sino también el reconocimiento de su especialidad, una habilidad social. Esto, por supuesto, produce una respuesta emocional increíblemente fuerte en ti. Hace que sea más divertido para ti estar con tu bebé y jugar con él. De hecho, puede ser difícil para usted alejarse para hacer las tareas del hogar o regresar al trabajo. Esto, a su vez, brinda grandes beneficios a su bebé, brindándole dos compañeros de juego listos para enseñarle lo que necesita aprender.

Balbuceos y arrullos

¿No es maravilloso escuchar a un bebé que empieza a emitir sonidos, a arrullar ya balbucear mientras juegas y hablas con él? Los balbuceos y arrullos de su bebé le provocan una fuerte respuesta, al igual que su sonrisa. Su juego comienza a adquirir una verdadera calidad de conversación. Ahora, es más probable que cada uno de ustedes tome su turno:usted responde al arrullo de su bebé con palabras y muecas, y su bebé responde con más arrullos y balbuceos.

Riendo

Algunos bebés comienzan a reír incluso antes de los cuatro meses de edad, algunos tan pronto como a las cinco semanas. La risa ocurre aproximadamente un mes después de que su bebé sonríe por primera vez. Un estímulo repentino e intenso (quizás sorprendente) puede hacer reír a un bebé.

Pero puede notar que a veces su bebé no está seguro de si reír o llorar. La risa parece ser una emoción al borde del miedo. Las teorías sobre la risa sugieren que los bebés se ríen de objetos y eventos que son casi, pero no del todo, comprensibles para ellos. Los objetos y eventos que son demasiado confusos, sin embargo, los hacen llorar. Los niños de cuatro a seis meses tienden a reírse más con un estímulo táctil (como las cosquillas) y cuando les hablas de una manera tonta.

La risa de su bebé ayuda a formar un vínculo emocional entre ustedes, lo que hace que su juego sea muy divertido. Nos gusta ver reír a los bebés, así que repetimos todo lo que hicimos para que se rían una y otra vez. Al hacer esto, su bebé está aprendiendo a tener cierto control sobre su entorno. A través de la risa, los bebés también pueden aprender el tipo de efecto que tienen en otras personas.

Alimentación y succión

A los cuatro meses de edad, con toda probabilidad, su bebé ha encontrado los dedos o el pulgar para chuparse entre tomas o le ha ofrecido un chupete. Varios factores pueden influir en la cantidad de tiempo que su bebé pasa chupando solo por diversión. Es probable que succione más, especialmente en los bebés amamantados, cuando comience a destetar a su bebé. (A menudo, el destete es más difícil para la madre que para el bebé. Esa relación de dependencia especial puede ser difícil de dejar atrás).

Cuando los dientes comiencen a salir, es posible que vea que su bebé muerde más las manos, los dedos y cualquier juguete disponible. El destete y la dentición con frecuencia ocurren simultáneamente debido a las mordeduras del bebé.

A la mayoría de los bebés les gusta chupar algo entre y durante las comidas. Si los bebés tienen la suerte de encontrar sus propios pulgares (algunos lo hacen a las tres semanas de edad), es posible que puedan calmarse solos. La succión no nutritiva (succión por placer y no por nutrición) es uno de los primeros medios de exploración de su bebé. Los bebés usan la boca para explorar el mundo tocando y saboreando objetos.

La gente solía creer que la cantidad de bebés que mamaban tendría efectos duraderos en sus personalidades y patrones de comportamiento. Por ejemplo, algunos pensaron que los bebés que no succionaban lo suficiente debido a la alimentación con biberón (o porque los agujeros en las tetinas se abrían demasiado rápido) crecerían y tendrían "personalidades orales" y serían niños en edad escolar que se chupan el dedo y adolescentes fumadores.

Estas primeras teorías no han sido confirmadas. La forma en que los bebés fueron alimentados o destetados hace poca diferencia en el desarrollo posterior de su personalidad. La succión frecuente tampoco parece tener ningún efecto en el desarrollo emocional (o en el desarrollo dental, hasta que los dientes permanentes comiencen a salir), por lo que no es necesario que retire continuamente el pulgar de la boca de su bebé o le niegue un chupete. De hecho, es imposible evitar que los bebés chupen cuando quieren; algunos bebés chupan incluso cuando no tienen nada en la boca.

El resultado de los estudios profesionales es que el desarrollo emocional y la estabilidad de un niño no están relacionados con la forma en que fue alimentado. Además, no se ha encontrado que el destete tenga efectos nocivos rotundos a largo plazo, ya sea psicológicos o físicos, en bebés bien alimentados. Más bien, cuestiones como la calidez de los padres, la receptividad materna y el nivel de conflicto en el hogar están relacionados con el desarrollo de relaciones seguras.

Problemas en la Interacción

Ya a los cuatro meses de edad, su bebé comienza a desarrollar una relación específica con usted. Tus patrones de juego te ayudan a formar un vínculo duradero. Pero, en raras ocasiones, pueden ocurrir problemas en el juego entre padres e hijos.

Los problemas en la interacción se pueden ver mejor como una ruptura en la secuencia de juego, un paso en falso en el baile, que inhibe la reciprocidad (una unión de ida y vuelta) y la toma de turnos. A veces, la ruptura es obvia para todos los involucrados, como en el caso del abandono y el abuso infantil. Más a menudo, los problemas pueden ser muy sutiles y sólo se pueden identificar a través del análisis cuadro por cuadro de cintas de video de padres con sus bebés. Algunos bebés y padres muestran un hermoso ritmo y baile en sus juegos, mientras que otros parecen estar fuera de sintonía. El paso en falso aparece cuando lo que esperas que suceda a continuación simplemente no sucede.

Un ejemplo de este tipo de paso en falso se ve con una madre que se da la vuelta justo cuando su bebé comienza a sonreírle. Pueden surgir problemas porque el bebé no está aprendiendo que puede controlar el comportamiento de su madre a través de sus propios comportamientos sociales apropiados. Los psicólogos dirían que los socios en tal interacción no son contingentes, es decir, la respuesta de un socio no tiene nada que ver con la señal del otro socio. Los bebés que experimentan este tipo de interacción pueden "aprender la impotencia":no importa cuál sea su señal, no pueden controlar adecuadamente su entorno (en el ejemplo, la respuesta de la madre). Por esta razón, es esencial que todos los padres reaccionen con sensibilidad a las señales de sus bebés.

Otro problema puede ocurrir si un compañero en la interacción es abrumador. Algunos padres "apagan" a sus bebés al esforzarse demasiado para mantener su atención. Si, por ejemplo, una madre continúa entrometiéndose con su bebé, acercándose y tratando de sonreir, incluso cuando el bebé le indica que no quiere jugar, la madre está dominando la interacción al no permitir que su bebé tenga la oportunidad. ser un socio igualitario.

También puede haber un problema con la coincidencia entre el estilo de personalidad de los padres y el nivel de actividad del bebé.

Desafortunadamente, no hay reglas fijas ni respuestas sencillas sobre la forma correcta de jugar con su bebé, excepto ser sensible a las características particulares de su bebé. Algunos bebés son mucho más difíciles de criar que otros. A veces, el simple hecho de saber por qué los bebés responden de la forma en que lo hacen es suficiente para liberar a los padres de cualquier duda que puedan tener y ayudarlos a volver al camino correcto. Pero, de nuevo, los problemas de este tipo son raros. Por lo tanto, el mejor consejo que puede recibir como padre primerizo es que se relaje, se divierta y disfrute de su bebé.

Reconocer la singularidad de su hijo

Cada bebé es diferente. Algunas de estas diferencias provienen de usted y del tipo de entorno que proporciona. Pero algunas de estas diferencias parecen venir con el bebé al nacer. Una de estas diferencias innatas está en su temperamento o estilo de comportamiento, es decir, si un niño es "fácil" o "difícil" o "lento para calentarse". Es importante tener en cuenta el temperamento porque, lamentablemente, en ocasiones se producen grandes desajustes entre el temperamento de los padres y el de sus hijos. Estos padres están obligados, por lo tanto, a ir contra la corriente cuando intentan establecer límites para sus hijos.

Un bebé "fácil" muestra regularidad biológica (al alimentarse, dormir y eliminar), un comportamiento predecible y adaptabilidad. Casi cualquier padre encuentra fácil llevarse bien con este tipo de bebé porque se adapta rápidamente a las rutinas y expectativas de los padres.

The "difficult" child, on the other hand, withdraws from new situations, has negative and intense moods, and adapts slowly. Although some parents take great pleasure in this type of baby, describing their baby's difficultness as "vigor" and "lustiness," more frequently, parents and teachers of "difficult" children feel threatened, anxious, and inept. If yours is such a child, it is important to keep in mind that your baby's personality is probably not your fault. A difficult baby's temperament often exists independent of parental attitudes and of management techniques.

Although the "slow-to-warm-up" child is somewhere in the middle, this baby sometimes causes more confusion for parents than either the "easy" or the "difficult" baby. Parents find these babies frustrating because their behavior is often so unpredictable. At times, they are a joy to be with, but changes in routine seem to throw them, causing great difficulty for their parents.

Parents are all different, too, so keep in mind that these assessments are subjective to a certain extent. Depending on personality and past experience, what is an "easy" baby for one parent may be a "difficult" baby for another parent and vice versa. Also, temperament is not necessarily stable, especially during the first months of life. Therefore, it is important to avoid allowing a label to become a "self-fulfilling prophecy." In particular, a baby who is regarded as "difficult" may be routinely treated in a way that reinforces this assessment. And as a result, he develops according to the expectations of those caring for him and not necessarily according to his true potential.

Your child's temperament influences the behavior and attitudes of peers, siblings, parents, and teachers. How your child fits with these significant people in her daily life dictates her patterns of adjustment to new situations. If you think that what appears to be a poor fit may detract from your baby's opportunities for growth and development, you might ask your baby's doctor about parent-infant programs available in your community. Parent-infant educators can help you understand your child's temperament and suggest some techniques to help make parenting easier.

Of course parenting is never easy. And, if you think you have it hard now, just wait until your baby can move around on his own. In the next section, we will learn about the developmental changes that accompany learning how to crawl.

This information is solely for informational purposes. IT IS NOT INTENDED TO PROVIDE MEDICAL ADVICE. Neither the Editors of Consumer Guide (R), Publications International, Ltd., the author nor publisher take responsibility for any possible consequences from any treatment, procedure, exercise, dietary modification, action or application of medication which results from reading or following the information contained in this information. The publication of this information does not constitute the practice of medicine, and this information does not replace the advice of your physician or other health care provider. Before undertaking any course of treatment, the reader must seek the advice of their physician or other health care provider.

A Child's Behavior, Six to Twelve Months

Your baby should learn to crawl around the time of his first birthday. As your child begins to explore the world on his own, a sense of independence starts to develop.

Face Recognition

By seven months of age, your baby may have begun to respond differently to different people. This happens as babies sharpen their visual perceptual skills and learn to recognize people by their faces. Face recognition is a gradual process acquired over the first eight months of life. Some babies can read their parents' facial expressions, too, because they are able to see subtle differences in faces. As with many developmental acquisitions, visual discrimination and perception of faces help your baby maintain contact with you.

Separation Anxiety

Your baby's protest at your leaving the room -- sometimes referred to as separation anxiety -- is a healthy reaction. Rest assured, it does not mean your baby will become an overly dependent adult. It is part and parcel of normal development.

Separation anxiety requires the advancement of cognition necessary for object permanence (you continue to exist in your baby's mind even when you are out of sight) and a special need for you that no one else can meet. Separation anxiety represents your baby's fear of losing you. In the earlier months, your baby probably woke up from a nap screaming; a year later, just calling to your baby from another room may be enough to help her wait for you. This change happens when your baby can remember who you are (even when you are not with her) and is confident you will come back to take care of her. Before your baby develops object permanence, when you leave the room it is as if you no longer exist-it's little wonder she screams when you are gone.

A one-year-old baby usually understands that you are a distinct entity. As babies develop greater motor control, they can move away from their parents and can see them from a distance, which helps babies to perceive themselves as separate individuals. This separateness helps babies begin to develop a sense of self.

Peek-a-boo, one of the most delightful games played with babies, supports your baby's beginning differentiation of self as separate from you. When you cover up your face, to a young baby, you really have disappeared:The baby cognitively inteprets the absence of your visual presence as your disappearance. When you uncover your face, you magically return. For an infant, the emotions of surprise and the joy of being reunited are very real in these games.

Peek-a-boo will continue to hold magical powers for the 18 month old. Your toddler will cover up her face with her hands so she no longer can see you. What will amuse you is the toddler's belief that if she cannot see you, you cannot see her either. Although the toddler will begin to recognize her existence as separate from you, she will not yet be able to take on another person's perspective (put herself in someone else's shoes).

Stranger Anxiety

By six months of age (sometimes earlier), your baby may have developed a very clear and strong preference for one parent or the other. This preference is exemplified by your baby's crying and clinging to you as a new adult approaches-this behavior is called stranger anxiety. Babies in our culture often show at least some form of stranger anxiety at some point.

A baby who only infrequently sees his grandmother may cry as she approaches to hold him. It is natural for grandparents to feel rejected by a grandchild's crying, but if the phenomenon is placed in the context of normal development, they should understand. If you have this problem, suggest they wait a while to become reacquainted with your baby before picking him up.

There are wide variations in the time when stranger anxiety develops and in the strength of the reactions. Some babies scream hysterically, look terrified, and cling tightly to you. Another baby's response may be to give you a dirty look as if to say, "Are you sure you want to hand me over to this strange person?"

When your baby's fear of strangers is at its peak, it is very tempting to sneak out of the room when you want to leave him with a babysitter. However, if you do this, your baby may become more upset than if you tell him you are leaving. Most parents agree you should never sneak off. Forewarning older babies and children, telling them what is going to happen next, is a useful technique to lessen and sometimes prevent distress reactions.

Stranger anxiety may peak, seem to disappear, then reappear again and again over the course of the next year, depending on your baby's experiences, temperament, and way of handling new situations. The process of becoming independent is begun at birth but is certainly not finished within the first three years of life; it continues in different forms throughout your and your child's lifetimes.

Babies' temperamental qualities may affect differences in the strength of reactions to strangers, but other factors -- the setting's familiarity, the tiredness of the baby, and past experience with strangers -- may also come into play. Parents who bring their babies to work with them may find their babies exhibit little stranger anxiety because they are used to seeing so many new faces every day. What is important to understand is that your baby's fear of strangers is a healthy reaction and a part of your child's normal emotional development.

Parents as Refueling Centers

With your baby's ability to crawl and move away from you comes the desire to use you as a secure base from which to explore. A developmental progression can be observed -- your baby first clings tightly to you, then moves away, returns for an occasional hug (or refueling), and then moves off but continues visually checking in to make sure you haven't gone anywhere.

While younger babies require a lot of holding, feeding, and playing on your lap, mobile babies no longer need as much of your continued, close -- at-hand attention. You may even be able to leave the baby in another room as long as you remain available and maintain some verbal communication. (Of course, you want to make sure the room is sufficiently childproofed so your baby's safety is not in jeopardy.) In one study with mothers and babies conducted in a two-room laboratory, the babies would not let their mothers leave them behind in one of the rooms; however, as long as the situation was under the babies' control, and they were the ones who chose to go into the next room, the babies ventured out of their mothers' sight and explored.

Your availability and occasional reassurance should support your baby's exploratory behavior. Babies of this age who are allowed this controlled freedom to explore, with the reassurance of verbal contact with the parent when out of sight, seem to fare better on later tests of emotional and cognitive abilities. Allowing your baby some freedom of exploration and control over the environment and not interfering unnecessarily with what she wants to do enhances your relationship with her.

Executive Dependence

Some psychologists have called this exploratory stage a baby experiences at 6 to 12 months one of executive dependence:A baby continues to be very dependent on his caregivers but also has some control over them. Your baby may easily become a tyrant in this stage -- for example, he may cry because he wants a cookie and then become frustrated because he no longer remembers what he wanted. Your baby can keep you hopping, trying to second-guess what his needs are.

While your baby's continued dependence on you may be frustrating at times, meeting his basic needs is essential for healthy emotional and cognitive growth. Your responsiveness and your habit of attending to and appropriately acknowledging your baby's signals, requests, and demands enable him to become effective in his interactions with the world. That kind of attention teaches your baby to think, "If I do something, I can have an effect. I can make something happen!"

After the first year, your baby's development starts to grow in remarkable leaps and bounds. In the next sections, we will learn about these landmarks.

A Child's Development, Twelve to Eighteen Months

Feeling secure is crucial to your child's development.

At this stage your child will start to reexamine you and the relationship you share. This can be a difficult time.

A Secure Attachment

A twelve-month-old baby has formed a meaningful relationship with you. (Here we are speaking to mothers because women have traditionally been the primary caregivers for babies. But what is discussed here applies to fathers as well.) Psychologists refer to this as a baby's "specific attachment." Not only does your baby clearly prefer you, but he also strives to avoid your absence and can use your presence to give himself security.

People used to talk about this relationship in terms of its intensity -- how much and how loudly did a baby cry when his mother left the room. They believed that babies with more intense reactions loved their mothers more. We now realize the intensity of a child's response to separation from his mother is less important than the degree of security he can gain from her presence. In fact, psychologists now classify children in terms of whether their attachment is secure. A secure attachment is shown with babies who seek closeness with their mothers. After a separation, when their mothers return to the room, these securely attached babies approach and look up at their moms.

Having a secure attachment is good for babies' long-term development. Securely attached babies end up having better peer relationships and emotional stability during the first six years. Of course, the seeds of this relationship begin early in life with the mothers' handling of their babies. Studies find that mothers who responded sensitively and appropriately to their babies in the first two to six months of life are more likely to have babies with these secure relationships. Surprisingly, the baby's characteristics early on seem to play little role.

Recognition of Self

About this time, babies can also recognize themselves in the mirror. One study examined how babies reacted to their mirror reflections. Lipstick was put on their noses, and observers watched to see if the babies would try to wipe the lipstick off. The babies all learned to recognize themselves in the mirror and wipe off the lipstick sometime between 9 and 24 months of age.

Because babies are becoming more aware of their separateness, they begin to recognize how vulnerable they really are without you there to take care of them. Try to think about how it feels to have your feet pulled out from under you. That's how your baby feels as she starts to realize that she is not you.

This happens right before your baby takes her first independent steps. Tolerance for frustrating and stressful events diminishes. At times, your baby seems like an emotional wreck -- quick to cry and not easily pacified. You wonder what happened to your nice, calm baby. Some psychiatrists have suggested the apprehension associated with walking may be fear of loss of support from the parent. All of a sudden, your baby is alone and separate. Independent walking, perhaps, marks the discovery of the solitary self.

Conflicting Feelings

Your baby experiences conflicting emotions as he masters walking. At the same time he is hanging onto you, he is pushing you away. With his first steps, striving toward greater independence, he seems to be saying, "Look at what I can do! I can walk and go where I want!" In the next breath, showing his extreme dependence, your baby seems to say, "Stay here. I can't be without you for a moment." All of this is healthy and normal.

Transitional Objects

By this time, your baby may have established a specially loved blanket or stuffed animal (a "lovey") that accompanies her to bed and to places she finds scary. This lovey is called a transitional object because it helps your baby in the transition between extreme dependence on you and the move toward independence.

Your baby's lovey provides security and comfort, particularly in fearful situations. It is important to respect your baby's desire to have this lovey with her.

Some babies maintain this attachment to a special lovey into the preschool years and beyond. There is no predetermined time for abandonment of a lovey; your child puts hers aside when she is ready. In most cases, the attachment is normal, and is outgrown naturally.

Perhaps the most important cognitive milestone for your child is learning how to speak. With communication comes understanding, but also manipulation. Learn all about this monumental time in the next section.

A Child's Advancements, Eighteen Months to Two Years

When your child learns to speak it becomes easier to explore the world together.

Around this time your child learns how to speak. Along with the accomplishment comes a greater sense of individuality -- and some more unwelcome changes. Toddler behavior runs the entire gamut.

Language

When your baby can communicate some ideas to you, your parenting job becomes a bit easier. You can ask what's wrong and your child can respond. His knowledge of just a few words can go a long way. You no longer are required to be a mind reader and try to second-guess your toddler to figure out what is bothering him.

Much younger babies use gestures and single words to make their wants and needs known. Your baby may have developed some of his own unique gestures to express different wants. Many eighteen-month-olds have command over a number of words. These single words can mean whole sentences. Some 18 month olds put words together in two- and three-word combinations.

Wise parents make use of their babies' natural ability to acquire language to make their jobs easier. In one instance, a mother was so quick to get everything for her toddler that he didn't need to talk. All his needs were met without much effort on his part. When his doctor suggested that the mother wait for her son to ask for what he wants, the little boy started talking in five-word sentences. In this situation, the mother had been too good at reading her son's signals.

If you have concerns about your baby's development of language, discuss them with your child's doctor. Babies prone to frequent ear infections occasionally have fluctuating hearing losses. If you suspect your baby isn't listening to you or does not understand what you say, you should check this out. Sometimes children have behavior problems because of poor hearing. Kids can be particularly difficult to manage when they don't hear what you say.

For some babies, having the words in their heads but not having the words come out right can be a very frustrating experience. There is so much they want to say, but they don't know how to say it. To help your child, try not to place too much pressure on your baby to say the words correctly. A lot of internal and external demands are placed on the almost-two year old. Not only are these youngsters trying to master an upright world, they are also trying to become competent users of language. This is a time when gentle encouragement, assurance, and firm limits are needed.

Egocentricity

At eighteen months of age, your baby has an egocentric view of the world:She sees herself as the center of the universe and is unable to see the world through other people's eyes. The term egocentric, often used to refer to self-centered adults, also describes a baby's view of her position of power in the world:She, too, believes the world revolves around her.

At this age, your baby recognizes that parents can do everything for her. Adults serve a purpose for babies:They are a means to an end. However, while adults can give babies what they want, they can also make demands and set limits, which can be a source of conflict. For example, a mother can ask her toddler to begin to master independent living skills (such as giving up the nighttime bottle, using a cup and a spoon, and using the potty) before the toddler feels she is ready.

Feeding can be a potential battleground for parents and babies -- with the baby often winning. Babies can use the feeding situation as a way to control parents. A laid-back approach -- allowing the baby some selection of food and not forcing her to eat detested foods -- can prevent later feeding problems. You can also use some tricks, such as disguising the disliked foods with preferred tastes -- dipping a vegetable in yogurt or cheese sauce, for example.

Conflicts about self-care skills often center on dependence-independence issues. Some sort of balance must be achieved between your baby's dependence on you and your desire for your baby's increased independence. It may be best to deal with some of these skills -- such as toilet training -- at a later date since some readiness skills may be needed. There is no single timetable because children master developmental skills at their own rates.

NO!

One of a baby's first words is no. Babies often say no to your requests even when they mean yes. Some say it is easier for a baby to shake his head from side to side than up and down, but defiance is certainly also the name of the game. We have all seen many a two year old throw a temper tantrum right in the middle of the store because he didn't get what he wanted. These temper tantrums are disruptive and embarrassing but are all part of growing up. Though never easy to deal with, they are inevitable, and every parent faces them. And yes, the phase will pass!

This stage is characterized by a great deal of opposition. It's as if the toddler has to do the opposite just as a statement of his independence. This is a very important developmental step for your child. It is an assertion of your child's sense of himself as an individual. These difficult times are important for your child to separate from you and move toward becoming a distinct person.

Like everything else in development, the timetable varies from child to child. Some very verbal children don't hit the terrible twos until they are three. This is a consequence of the child's and parents' ability to talk about what the child is feeling, thinking, or wanting. Parents can explain a lot to toddlers, sometimes defusing a potentially explosive situation. Other times, these explanations are totally useless, partly because the baby doesn't have the necessary level of understanding to know what you are talking about. Also, at times your child just won't give in. It is very important for parents to sit down and talk with each other so they can establish priorities as to what's worth a fight and what isn't.

Intense Separation Reactions

Even though your baby has already experienced some stranger anxiety, she develops more intense reactions to separation at this developmental stage. Leaving her with a babysitter or dropping her off at the child care center may be more difficult. Remembering to take a favorite toy or lovey along may help with these leave-takings. Fear of new situations results partly because of your child's inexperience with them.

Established sleep patterns may be disrupted in this stage. So much time during the day is spent in motor activity -- walking and running -- that by the time evening rolls around, your toddler is likely to be too overtired to go to bed easily. In addition, you shouldn't be surprised if your baby starts to wake up again in the middle of the night. This may be because your baby is afraid of being alone. Night fears begin around 18 months of age. They may continue through the third and fourth year, changing in intensity and content. Three year olds can often tell you about dreams that wake them up.

At these early ages, your baby doesn't know what's real and what's fantasy, so nighttime, being alone, and dreams can be frightening experiences. You can relieve some of your baby's tearfulness by comforting her and telling her you are there and will protect her. On occasion, even letting your baby crawl into bed with you can give her a sense of security and you a good night's sleep.

Children's fears can be lessened through imaginative play and books. Play is a terrific means of working out difficulties your child may experience. Some of your baby's fears and worries can be worked out through your playing together. Each of you can take turns pretending to be the scary monster, which the other one banishes. Some delightful children's books cast triumphant little boys or girls as conquerors of nighttime monsters.

In addition to books, parents can use puppets to engage their toddlers, and older children, too, in lively reenactments of daily concerns and fears. Playing with puppets removes some of the tension associated with real-life discussions about upsetting issues. By giving the worries to the puppets in the realm of your play, some forbidding topics are no longer as unthinkable.

Toddlers need a regular bedtime routine. Many parents use the hour before bedtime to read books with their children. Reading to your child encourages her to read, and eighteen month olds find the same routine night after night comforting. Thus, a consistent bedtime ritual is good for your child's emotional and cognitive development and may provide a better night's sleep for both parents and child.

New Advances

As a parent, your role is to support your baby's move toward independence while at the same time recognizing his need to be dependent on you. Some children have great difficulty struggling to reach the next developmental milestone. Others make smooth transitions from milestone to milestone. Some experts believe development depends mainly on the child's growth or maturation, with maturation moving in an upward, cyclical manner. Occasionally, peaks and valleys do occur.

With this cyclical view of development, parents can see how new advances can upset children. Thus, with advances to each new stage of development, notably with walking, your baby's behavior may seem disorganized until he is sure of himself and has consolidated his new skills.

Sharing

Neither eighteen-month-olds nor two-year-olds are very good at sharing toys. This, too, is a part of normal development and should be accepted as such. From your baby's perspective, her toys are an extension of herself. For someone to take a toy from her is a direct affront to her integrity. It's as if a part of her has been taken away. Parents are probably unrealistic to request a child of this age to share with other children. You can start to work toward that goal, but it may be too soon to reasonably expect to achieve it.

One helpful hint is to have a special set of toys designated for the play group. This way the toys don't seem to belong to any one person. You can also reduce aggression and fighting over toys with planned activities. The activities should be ones that are creative, messy, and fun, such as fingerpainting, or playing with blocks, sand, and molding material.

Difficulties With Changes

The toddler can get very upset if you do not carry out routines in exactly the same way.

Eighteen month olds are very ritualistic. The toddler can get very upset if you do not carry out routines in exactly the same way. Recognizing this, you can help your toddler by maintaining as consistent a routine as possible; then your toddler doesn't have to try to figure out what will happen next. You can also ease transitions by telling children what to expect.

A toddlers' typical ritualistic behavior may be due to his limited understanding of language. Sometimes we are fooled into thinking that eighteen month olds know more than they do. On occasion, parents should stand back and reevaluate why the child acted the way he did. Perhaps he did not understand what was said or asked. While toddlers understand a great deal, not all ideas hold the same meaning for eighteen month olds as they do for adults.

Because of this, your child's reactions to disruptions in his routine are likely to be more intense than they were earlier in his life. The toddler's distress and obstinacy are said to be, in part, related to the beginning development of his sense of self. To the toddler, parent and child are becoming two separate people, which may be a stressful adjustment.

The emotions of fear and worry may seem more apparent with toddlers than with young babies. Some two year olds appear quite wary when confronted with new situations. In particular, fireworks, vacuum cleaners, and other loud noises can be pretty frightening. Toddlers don't understand the relationship between cause and effect yet and may attribute magical or lifelike properties to noises and machines. The toddler may even think these strange occurrences happened because of something he did.

Some children hold onto their parents until they are comfortable and secure in a new setting. Yet at home, if all is going well, your child should be able to leave your side to play by himself in another room. Your child's caution and his checking in on you represent a beginning sense of reality. It is part of the normal developmental process, without which your child would not develop into a healthy, independent person.

Although at times your toddler will be difficult to manage, this is the age when it is even more important to be firm in setting limits, consistent in your demands, and nurturing during the bad as well as the good moments. Your role is to balance the toddler's desire for independence with his continued need for reassurance, love, and affection.

Your child's road to independence does not end at age three, but that time does contain many significant changes. Learn about what to expect in your child's third year in the next section.

A Child's Independence, the Third Year

As your child grows older there are more activities you can do together, but also more potential conflicts.

The first half of the third year may remain difficult for you and your child as far as issues of control and dependence are concerned. Although your child's language and self-care skills are more advanced, in some ways your child continues to feel like a tightrope walker, occasionally teetering with uncertainty over what she can and cannot do. Try to recognize your child's need for independence. By promoting independence along with emotional support, parents can help their children through this stage. An extra cuddle or more lavish praise for good behavior helps to counteract some of the normal negative behavior.

Control and Discipline

One management technique that works quite well with toddlers is the use of praise. To help your child develop a positive self-image, you should encourage and delight in your child's new accomplishments and achievements. Praise ("That's good! I like that block tower."), hugs, and kisses are important ingredients in promoting a good self-image. At two and three years of age, a child's self-esteem-how she feels about herself-often reflects her perception of her parents' opinions of her. Interest in and enjoyment of your child's play set the tone for a healthy self-concept.

One of the most difficult jobs parents have is setting reasonable limits for their children. Letting your child know what's expected, what's tolerable, and what's unacceptable is a long-term process that continues well into the teenage years. As early as in the first year, for example, you set some limits by not letting your child stick her fingers into the electrical outlets.

You can defuse some potential conflicts by rearranging the environment so you don't have to worry about your child's hurting herself, breaking your valuable vase, or eating a poisonous plant. Childproofing the major living quarters in your house allows your child to safely explore many interesting and different objects.

Of course, changing the environment does not take care of those times when a direct confrontation is necessary. It helps to quickly and adeptly address the situation. Tell your child what you don't like about what she is doing. Give her a simple reason why, for example, pulling the tail on the cat hurts the cat. Parents don't need to use more than one or two sentences of explanation. Ask the child to stop. If that doesn't work, put the child on a chair for a few minutes either in the same room with you or in a different room for a time-out. After the allotted time has elapsed, you can then talk about what happened.

Later in the day, but not immediately afterward, be sure to let your child know you still love her by giving her a hug and a kiss. On a particularly bad day, you may even want to engage her in a very special time just for the two of you. The earlier you begin to set aside a special chair or place to be used for thinking about unacceptable behavior, the sooner your child learns that some behaviors are just not acceptable.

In the early years, parents take on the roles of care-giver, teacher, and playmate. Creating an emotionally supportive environment is essential for your child to become independent yet aware of her parents' love and acceptance. On occasion, behavioral extremes are acceptable for two year olds. As a regular pattern, however, the child who is always out of control or overly compliant is telling you something. These are warning signals that suggest you should take a good, hard look at your disciplining techniques. Ask yourself:Are my methods so loose that the boundaries of acceptable and unacceptable behaviors are unclear? Am I so rigid in setting limits that my child is afraid to upset me by resisting my controls? Am I providing enough time for relaxed activities and play with my child? Learning how to discipline a child takes time and practice.

By the end of the third year, with increased growth, maturity, and confidence, your child becomes willing to relinquish some of her insistence on being independent. She may even give up some of her executive independence ("I want to do it myself!") for your love and affection. She obtains great pleasure from praise and attention.

Her participation in such body management activities as feeding, toilet training, and dressing becomes a matter of routine. Although many three-year-old children continue to have high activity levels, their activity begins to be more directed, with a far less frenetic quality.

The secure three year old may allow you to help her set limits. This new stage has been called the stage of volitional dependence because the child's needs can now be brought under her control. Your child is less impulsive and more manageable; she understands an occasional explanation of rules -- and actually follows the rules, too. For example, when you are working in one room, you may no longer have to worry about leaving your child to play in another, but instead can trust her not to misbehave.

Feelings and Emotions

Of particular importance, but sometimes overlooked, is talking to your children about how they feel. By the age of three, children experience a wide range of emotions:They feel afraid, mad, sad, and glad. While children may not have exactly the same meanings for these feelings that adults do, children can learn to label and identify good and bad feelings. Don't underestimate their capacity for understanding emotions and feelings.

Parents can help their children develop a language for expressing and dealing with feelings by giving the feelings names. While doing so, parents have a responsibility to manage their own feelings to help children deal with theirs. Sometimes, our own childhood experiences creep into how we handle emotions with our children. All of us have trouble with some feelings. For instance, difficulties with such feelings as anger and aggression may spill into our parenting. If we cannot tolerate angry feelings, we might try to prevent our children from displaying anger by saying "That's no reason to be angry!" when in fact a child may have good reason to be angry. Through the use of play, you can provide children with some emotional avenues for anger, fear, and anxiety.

Self Concept

Between their second and third birthdays, most children become fairly competent language users. They readily use the personal pronouns "I," "me," and "mine," particularly to defend ownership of their toys and possessions. They have great difficulty letting anyone else play with something that is theirs.

Around this time, your toddler can refer to himself by his own name. Sometimes, when playing with dolls or superheroes, your toddler may reenact earlier events. He may assign different roles to the dolls. If you sit down and play directly with your toddler, you can get a glimpse of the inner workings of his mind. This glimpse may be both delightful and unnerving, since you may observe firsthand how your child views your parenting style. Many parents have heard their sweet little boy harshly send his favorite stuffed animal to his room because it didn't behave.

As your child becomes more independent, she will feel more comfortable being on her own.

By three years of age, your child has a good sense of "me" and "you" and of "self" versus "nonself." With better cognitive capacities and a wider repertoire of experiences, the three year old has internalized memories of the significant people in his life -- his parents. As his sense of self grows, a child's personality represents more of what he will be like as he grows older. He readily displays his preferences and dislikes in how he interacts with the world; for example, some children already prefer very physical activities, while others choose quiet, sedentary play.

Aggression and Fighting

Fighting usually centers on wanting to have a toy someone else has. Aggression is a normal part of growing up and may be related to our survival instincts. Most children are fairly aggressive when defending their belongings and themselves.

There are no easy answers for how to handle excessive aggression. But it certainly doesn't make sense to the child or to the parent to handle aggression with aggression. Imagine this scenario:Two sisters are fighting over a toy. One parent comes in, yells at them to stop fighting, and hits one of them because the child won't give the toy back. What does this teach the children? There's quite a mixed message here -- it's all right to fight and to hit but only if you are bigger and more powerful than your adversary.

Parental handling does influence how aggressive a child will be. Children in families where physical violence, such as beating (as opposed to a mild slap on the wrist or a gentle spank on the bottom), hitting, or spanking, is used as punishment generally turn out to be more aggressive than other children. The least aggressive children come from families that are nonpunitive, nonpermissive, and nonrejecting. The parents in such families are consistent in their handling of aggression. They don't use harsh physical punishment or unnecessarily harsh language. They set firm and clear limits about what they expect of their children, and they are accepting of their children.

Consistency is important in whatever intervention technique you use to deal with your child's aggression. A useful technique is to remove the child from the fight and isolate her for a few minutes. Quick handling of the situation, before the fighting gets out of hand, helps. Once your two year old can talk, ask her to talk about how she feels or what she wants. Doing so helps her learn to express herself verbally instead of physically.

Sometimes, providing your child with an outlet for her pent-up energy helps reduce the level of her aggression. Just as with adults, active physical exercise helps release the tension and reduce the level of stress. Imaginative play also helps her work through aggressive tendencies. Parents can capitalize on the child's imagination to help work out conflicts.

Imagination

It is especially wondrous and exciting to watch imagination develop in your child. Through the windows of your child's play and the talking he does to himself, the pictures he draws, and the stories he tells, you can actually follow your child, the little movie director, as he casts a set of characters into their various roles. Fantasy develops along with your child's more sophisticated knowledge of the world, although he cannot yet totally differentiate fantasy from reality.

Some children have such great imaginations that they tell the most unbelievable stories -- and sometimes get in trouble for doing so. Many children have imaginary friends. Sometimes these creations become scapegoats for the child's own behavior. When the child does something wrong, he may say the imaginary friend was actually the culprit. Usually, the presence of an imaginary friend is just a sign of a healthy, imaginative child. But imaginary friends can become too powerful:They can interfere with your child's ability to accept responsibility, their presence can exclude other friends, and they can do all your child's talking. Luckily, this doesn't happen very often. If you're concerned about your child's imaginary companion, you may want to consult a professional.

Television

Presidential commissions have confirmed the profound effects of excessive television violence on children's aggressive behavior. These reports indicate that a steady diet of violent television programming is related to an increase in children's fighting. If you do not want to have a physically aggressive child, you may consider monitoring your child's television viewing habits. One way to do this is to count the number of aggressive acts in your child's Saturday morning cartoons. Then you can decide if you would like her to continue to watch them.

Cartoon-watching also seems to negatively impact children's activity levels. While they sit and stare at the television set, they appear zombie-like:Afterward, these same children act overexcited, running helter-skelter with little direction or content in their play. In all likelihood, a steady diet of superheroes and monsters can have negative consequences. Also, because two and three year olds are unable to distinguish between fantasy and reality, the evil warriors and monsters may seem real to them, and the characters in some of these daytime shows can come back to haunt toddlers at nighttime, manifesting as nightmares or fear of the dark. To make matters worse, it is often difficult to tell where the cartoons end and the commercials begin.

However, television, in moderation, can be used for positive ends as well. Good educational programs, such as Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood, have much to teach your toddler.

But always remember that too much television viewing, even of high-quality programs, can lead to an unhealthy, sedentary lifestyle. And even the best programs can't match the benefits of real experiences with real people.

Multiple Attachments

By three years of age, your child is likely to have a number of relationships with people other than his parents. He may have a favorite babysitter or just a good friend. He prefers to play with children his own age rather than playing with you, although he still enjoys and needs you. He and his friends can spend a long time at play without any fighting and with some sharing of toys.

As your child's world expands -- for example, when he goes to a child care center or preschool -- the influences on your child's self-esteem also include new people's attitudes toward him. It's essential for you to provide him with the security he needs so he can go out and explore his surroundings.

While your child may be quite ready to go off to preschool, once in a while he may slip back to his less-sure former self and not want to leave your side. These are normal separation reactions. His going to preschool is a big emotional step for both of you.

Here is an example of a three year old boy we knew. It was the first week of preschool. Every day the boy's mother walked him to the classroom, gave him a hug and a kiss, and said goodbye. Each time, the boy cried uncontrollably, refusing to take his jacket off for the whole day. Knowingly, the teachers respected the child's need to hold onto his jacket. For this child, removing his jacket meant that he was going to stay at this place without his mother. In a way, he was unsure that he was ready for all this independence. Both mother and child benefitted from the teachers' warm assurance that everything would be all right. Gradually, the teachers enticed the child into the fun the others were having.

Some preschools are quite aware of children's difficulties with separation and build this into their programs by slowly introducing children into the classroom. For some children, preschool is the first time they are on their own. It is, on the one hand, an obvious milestone, but on the other hand, it is just one of the many steps that take your child gradually toward independence.

As a newborn your child is completely dependent on you for everything from food to clothes to companionship. As your child grows physically, he also grows mentally and becomes more aware of himself and the people around him. It can sometimes be painful and sometimes joyous, but every child matures and becomes more independent. While no two children are alike, you now have a general idea of what you can expect during this tumultuous time.